Doing this seems wrong. Horribly wrong. I’m embarrassed and ashamed and nauseated. I don’t want to do this but deep down, I feel like I need to. I know I need to.
Presently, I’m on a long-time journey in weight loss. It’s been miserable and slow and I can’t see the change, no matter how hard I squint and try to remain patient. Whenever I manage to look at the mirror, as rare as it is, I never like what I see. I struggle finding myself
So, this is the me now and it’s not the me I want to be.
It’s painful to look at it. It’s horrible and I want to cry. To tell you truthfully, I would avoid being in my own family’s photos because, in my mind, my ugliness and fatness stole the whole picture. I never smile right, I never have my head titled to look interesting, my body folds and spills, hair is always off…it’s everything.
Absolutely nothing in this picture makes me feel happy or good or beautiful. Even seeing my purple (bed) hair is painful because it is part of all of me. And I don’t want to be this me.
More than that, I don’t want to hate this me so fiercely any more.
I’m not beautiful in the way that’s acceptable. I’m built awkwardly. My skin still breaks out nastily. I have no talent in smiling naturally while seen by others. Despite working out, I can’t look like Wonder Woman. I have stretch marks. I make funny expressions when I think too deeply. My arms look like pork-chops and my body looks like something made between an ostrich and the Grinch.
And to me, that makes me worthless. It makes me something that needs to be hidden. I have this horrible, hateful, shame rushing through my bloodstream that tells me every day I can’t do anything. From wearing cute clothes, to enjoying a sweet treat without guilt, to even allow myself to think a guy is attractive. I’m fat and therefore I’m ugly and therefore don’t belong with happiness.
Frankly, I am tired of feeling like this.
I can’t say I’d ever look at these pictures here and see something beautiful. It might be too hard for me to do or I’m just too stubborn and fearful to attempt it. But I want to try and stop this self-bullying I do to myself all the time. I want to feel confident that I can like a gorgeous man like my current celebrity crush on VanossGaming (yep, a YouTube gamer) and not feel like it’s gross of me to do such a thing.
I want to enjoy life and feel happiness without this doubt constantly swarming in my thoughts but that just isn’t the me now but it is the me I want to become.
Do any of you have a different you that you want to find and bring out? What is it about the you now that tells you that you’re not worthy and how do you plan on beating it?
Quote of the Post:
“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
–Norman Vincent Peale