I told myself I would write and update something every day for Write it Pink. I would push myself to accomplish something every day, no matter how small,and fight any itch I have to not. I’m a writer, I love doing it, so there should never be an excuse to not do something. This blog is something I hope to make a living off of and something to use to better myself. Who needs more reason than that to push themselves for success?
Like a few times before, I greatly underestimated the power of a depressed mind.
Depression fools you and it does so well. The past week I haven’t felt bad or sad or without hope. There haven’t been nightmares haunting me, or this phantom itch under the skin, or random bouts of crying. I keep trying for my future, I have normal to pleasant thoughts, and I haven’t had any bouts of emotion that rocks from one wave to another. I felt fine.
And that’s where it snuck up on me.
Because I felt fine, I tried to ignore the other obvious signs taking place in my head and life. I wasn’t cleaning (and I am hyper organized and clean)–I have gone perhaps two weeks now without making my bed or vacuuming. That’s just wrong. I wasn’t working out as hard or as long. On top of that I haven’t touched Weight Watchers (one of the best and easiest ways to change a diet) in weeks. I’m on an intense weight-loss journey, I want to change so much about myself and yet I’m allowing it to completely slip away from me.
Hell, I’ve had goals written out for me and plans on accomplishing them. It was my first attempt at a challenge for this blog and I was ready to do it right and explore different parts of myself to share with any readers interested. It has only been about three weeks since I started Write it Pink.
And yet, all of a sudden, I just stopped.
It wasn’t like I wanted to intentionally avoid any of it. It wasn’t that I all of a sudden hated all of this (as depression can do). I’ve been tired but not drained. This whole month my family has absorbed all of the Game of Thrones and that is a writing inspiration of a lifetime.
Instead, I just kept procrastinating. But I was fine, so nothing to really worry myself over. Sure, I was more interested in watching Dathi De Nogla compilation videos without really watching them. And sure I was sitting more and almost literally doing nothing except breathing, but, again, I felt fine. I just blamed it on the change in weather and what it was doing to my head. Allergies are one of the biggest killers for motivation after all.
But I wasn’t fine. Not really. I had stopped taking my medication because I simply forgot about them and then, once I remembered them, I’d tell myself I would take them in a little bit and then forget about them once again. I would have Write it Pink up and ready for an update but I’d never add a single letter on a post. My writing was saved a bit but not by much. Job searches just came to an abrupt halt. Working out was just a meh situation.
Funny how I thought I wasn’t being super influenced by my depression.
Finally realizing it and accepting it always makes things feel a bit better–but I am very aware that it’s going to trick me again in the future. That’s just part of it. Some weeks it’ll go by with barely a wink in my direction and other times it’ll hit me hard where I am crippled under the term of Depressant. But it’s these hidden moments that are some of the bigger killers. When it finds that way to trick you into thinking it’s not the cause (or at least an influence) of a lack of everything.
So, I feel like I am back to fighting it. I’m aware of what it tried to do and what it accomplished and now I just need to start over and continue. I need to push for updates and challenges this week and to get back into working and not let it take away my mind from me again.
For those of you with depression; do you have moments like this as well? What do you do to fight these aggravating times?