For someone who claims writing is a passion, I certainly do not do it nearly enough.
I really have no excuse as to why I just couldn’t find it in me to write on this blog. I think partly, I felt it wasn’t doing anything. I felt a lack of success, a lack of connection, and a great lack of in what I’m writing. Every post felt repetitive and flat. I research and love all these other blogs and how beautiful and steady original they are.
It becomes such a struggle because I live in a constant state of comparison. It never feels like I can never match up to what everyone else is doing. I want success like so many others, but I can never feel settled in the foundation of that success. All the hard work, headaches, and lack of reaction…it happens to so many, yet when I’m in the middle of it I feel like this only happens to me. I’m going to be the one trapped in limbo, never really finding anything special about myself that will get a reaction from others.
Because, I suppose, I don’t see myself as successful unless I see financial or group confirmation of this fact. It’s like I need support as validation–and yet that isn’t enough either. I’m always just stuck in a loop of never having the ability to see the growth from where I started at to where I am now. If these other wonderful blogs are getting radiating reviews and support, I just feel like I don’t fit in in that shining group.
Really, t’s just self-pity and an exhaustion of trying before I really start. I feel like a poison to myself. It’s the depression trying to get me to stop trying and just bask in that pit. After all, if the success and adventure isn’t coming to me that means I don’t deserve it, right?
This is a truly miserable way to live. Stuck in a box where you can see the escape hatch but it constantly moves out of your grasp. Honestly, I don’t know if I could ever really change this side of me and i don’t mean that in a negative way–but more in a way to stop fighting it where I’m exhausted and not better.
I’m hoping some New Year’s Resolutions will maybe become a key into bettering myself…and in a way that I enjoy rather than be a constant battle.
- Better Self for 2018
- Read 50+ Books
- Join a Buddhist temple
- Meditate 4xs a week
- Draw everyday
- Write everyday
- Violin 3xs a week
- Positive notes
- Workout 5-7xs a week
Doesn’t seem too impossible to accomplish? But as I write this out and think things through, I hold back feeling eager because I worry about failure. But failure is the best teacher. There is no shame in falling short. It is truly about the attempt and learning from it.
This is difficult, though. It takes letting go of anxiety that can be used as a crutch. I don’t know how I can get out of this and be successful for myself–but I don’t know. We’ll see. I do believe this is my new year for something a bit more positive in my life. I’m looking forward to that